I have known him for years; at least that’s what I would like to think. I have stood by him in his worse times, but sadly could never support him or stand up for him. I’ve been by his side long enough to witness his self- destructive ways, his grim sick endeavors to liberate himself. There was this drastic, vague co-relation that always ran in my head between what he said and heroin. As he would drag it in…an evasive yet certain disillusionment would set in his eyes blurring his senses, disorienting him but bringing him close to the reality that you have been avoiding or escaping from confronting for long. He would tell that he had not slept for long and as he’d fall into the vertigo or dizziness, he’d feel helpless, victimized; he’d look helpless. It may not make sense, you may not understand it, you may not believe but you are ready to give into it (heroin). But that would not explain the state he was in; what caused this?? What was the onslaught? I myself was being evasive and delusional when I tried to explain his phase, but why? Was it because that’s what he deserved - delusion? Was delusion the only possible explanation to his lifestyle or rather the only excuse? I could never figure it out and I would just give myself away or just give in with or without any sane reason.
Everything he said cut me to the bone, nastily as if he was deliberately trying to do his very best at maiming me. It’s a pitiful sight that he was in and is left alone at the end of it, all by himself to take the brunt of the relentless onslaught of the order. Then he went and sought all the ways he could to escape the feeling and concomitant bane. He obviously felt that he was left alone in this because he himself did not support the massacre of his ideology. It appears more confusing to me that it must have been to him. Always disturbed and never left to his sensible discretion.
And I always thought that he was normal…
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